When I was 19, I was diagnosed with this thing called Rheumatoid Arthritis. At the time, it was a big deal, because I had to stop running and I could not be on my college track team even though I really wanted to be. Since then I have run a half marathon and coached Cross Country and track. But this fall, something changed. In the middle of teaching one day I moved wrong, and have not been the same since. I had to stop running, because I hurt my back so badly just by moving wrong. To make a long story shorter - I cannot even remember how many times I have been to the doctor for aches and pains in the past 7 months (I saw two doctors today!)
So it turns out I not only have RA, but I also have fibromyalgia and hip bursitis. In my own brain, I hear that and think = extra inflammation where I already have inflammation. Not so awesome. The thing is - I am only 25. And I used to, like, run, every single day. There have been times I loved running so much I ran twice a day. But for the past 7 months, I have not been able to run or really do any physical exercise I actually want to do. For some people, this is not a big deal. But for me - I cannot quite grasp what it means to slow down my life and just chill for a bit so I can let my body heal. I joined a gym for the first time in my life - and have been going to water aerobics. That is a whole other story in itself - what with the well over 50 year olds and myself treading water together for an hour every day. One of the instructors is super awesome, actually they are all really awesome, but this one instructor told me yesterday that if I do not slow down in my exercises, lifestyle, etc. she is going to put a post-it note on my nose that says "SLOW DOWN." So I guess I should take that as a sign...
When I went to my doctor today, he said I am going to have to learn to live with pain for the rest of my life. It was sobering news, to say the least. LIVE with chronic pain, which leads to chronic fatigue? I am 25 years old! I should be training for the Green Lake sprint triathlon right now - or coaching track and field every day after school. But instead, I go to physical therapy, try to do back exercises on a daily basis, and try to make it to water aerobics 2-3 times a week! LIVE with this? Like, for the rest of my life?? Are ya kidding me?
Our sermon series in church this month is called "Cross words" in which we're studying ...well, I don't really know what we'll talk about in the next few weeks, exactly. But last Sunday we studied the "Cross" word WHY? We talked about how when Jesus was on the cross, taking on the sin of the entire world, He asked God "Why?" Which led into the discussion of us as Christ-followers, and how we can have the freedom to ask God, "Why?" because our Savior did too. I sat through that sermon with tears brimming in my eyes the entire time because the pastor kept giving examples of different life situations in which we have permission to ask God Why? Situations like cancer, chronic pain, arthritis, job loss, death of a loved one, etc.(He actually said "Arthritis"!) And when he said "Arthritis" I just about lost it, because I guess I needed that reminder that it's OK to not understand why I have to deal with all this physical pain right now. I am only 25, and I honestly don't know any other 25 year old dealing with the same physical limitations, and so it's sometimes difficult to wake up every day and feel OK. But Jesus asked God "Why?" Jesus, the most perfect person who ever lived or who ever will live, asked God "Why?"
The end of the sermon talked about the hands of Christ. The same hands that healed the deaf, blind, mute, and lame are available for me today. The same hands that asked "Why?" are there waiting for me too. I don't get it. I don't get why I am going through so much physical pain at the age of 25. I don't. So I can ask God "Why?" And once I do, there is so much freedom there. Freedom to be broken. Freedom to be still. Freedom to praise God even in the midst of it all. Because He was the one on the cross. When it should have been me.
Tonight I fell asleep when I was hanging out with some friends. What 25 year old falls asleep on the floor of a friend's house when there are 10 other people around hanging out? This 25 year old does. Chronic pain and chronic fatigue at 25. I guess it makes me unique. :)
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